smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
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I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
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If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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