There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
