I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just blew my weed a kiss
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
