DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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