dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
