i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
