anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
