We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
