This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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