So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
