I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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