My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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