He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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