I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
