Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
