What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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