i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Found the puke drawer
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
