I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
