I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
She's the barista slut.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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