I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
