Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
