dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
