Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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