p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
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i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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