My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
