My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
