where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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