my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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