I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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