Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
