i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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