Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
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My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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