Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
