Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
