You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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