i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
