I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
