Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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