dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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