My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
