I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
