Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
