Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
