The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
