Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
