Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
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I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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