Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
