dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
