Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
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My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
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Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I party with great urgency now.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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