She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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