Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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