Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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