Jerry, you need to find god
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
