I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
