just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
