My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
