I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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