From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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